#7
Gender (optional): Female
Age (optional): 19
Problem/Issue/Question/Etc.: I’ve never been able to let this all out but tonight, I will. To you at least.
I have never had a real boyfriend. I’ve had a few long distance online things but none of them lasted. All the guys in real life that I have ever had a ‘more than friend’ relationship with was purely sexual. They all wanted me for my body and nothing more. I let them because that was the closest I could get to feeling somewhat wanted and needed.
My whole life, I’ve watched my friends who didn’t even deserve, have someone in their life and I’ve watched several treat their partners like shit yet they got the chance to be happy with someone.
While I, a person who would devote her entire life to making that person happy, has never had the chance.
And it has always been because I wasn’t pretty enough.
This has abused my self esteem. I try to uphold confidence and a high sense of self esteem but I can’t because my entire life, I was never pretty enough. They always were.
The best friends that I have are online. Everyone in real life has treated me like shit, used me because I’m kind, acted as if I didn’t exist.
There were the few who were nice to me but never nice enough to establish a great friendship.
I’m religious so I pray all the time that God will grant me happiness but it hasn’t happened yet.
Everyone gets the impression that I’m just so happy when in reality, I just want to wake up from this nightmare so bad. I haven’t cried in so long over it.
I have this fear of being alone and its starting to come true. But its almost as if I’m so used to it that it doesn’t scare me that much. I’m coming to terms that I’m alone, for now.
I’m counting on the day that I leave this place which will be soon. I’m hoping that when I leave, I’ll be happy. But until then, I keep having to fake a smile and fake my happiness because I don’t know how else to act or feel.
Freshman year I wrote a letter to myself. It said
“I’m broken into a million pieces and nothing can save me until I leave”
First, let me start out by saying thank you. Thank you for writing, and letting that all out, because it’s not easy to do. I know that life is not fair, and that we live in a world where outward appearance means everything. Fortunately, there are still plenty of people out there who are genuine. There is somebody out there for you, who will appreciate everything you are and everything you can be. I don’t think you have to worry about being alone. A great deal of the population has that fear, but a lot of them are in their 30s, 40s, and even older. You’re still young, and have a lot of time left to find the right guy.
My advice to you is to keep your head up and be yourself. Keep being the caring person that you are, because there are plenty of people out there who will appreciate it. At the same time, don’t let people walk all over you and use you because you’re a nice person. You can still be nice, but stand up for yourself, and if people do use you, call them out on it. Stand up and don’t let them think it’s okay, because it’s not. It might be difficult to stand up and voice your opinion when other people are mistreating you, but you owe it to yourself. In doing so, I think you will boost your confidence, and you’ll take control of your life. By having self respect and assertiveness, other people will respect you. Last, love yourself. I recently gave some advice to help boost self esteem, and I’d like you to do the same. Make a list of all the things you like about yourself. Maybe it’s your eyes, your smile, your personality, or a skill or talent. Whatever they are, make a good long list of all these things. Then, every night before you go to sleep, read the list to yourself. When you wake up the next morning, read the list before you start your day. Go out into the world and be proud of all these things that make you the wonderful person that you are.
If you do this, along with living your life as the caring individual that you are, you will meet somebody and you will find love. The thing about love is that you can’t plan it or script it. A lot of people don’t understand this, so they try to force everything, and change everything about who they are, just to appeal to others. If you do change, do it for yourself, and because you want to, not because other people do. It sounds to me that everything will be okay, it’s just a matter of weathering the storm and keeping your head up. Don’t forget about the list, along with standing up for yourself. Oh, and I almost forgot, don’t forget to smile more often. And I don’t want fake smiles either. And if you think you have nothing to smile about, refer to the list. :D
You’ll be alright, just hang in there. If you ever need to talk, AIM is EAonTumblr, or you can e-mail or send a message through FormSpring.
-emotionalanesthesia
