#13

Gender (optional): Female

Age (optional): Early twenties.

Problem/Issue/Question/Etc.: I can’t seem to let go of a mistake I made quite some time ago. I was in a relationship I was really happy with and couldn’t imagine being out of. This was the first time in a very long time I had been completely honest with both my partner and myself. So this mistake I made, I cheated, and I’ve been holding that in my heart for the past six months. It’s crazy to think I’ve been feeling this way for so long but I can’t seem to get rid of it or shake it.
I have long since accepted that that relationship is over and will never again ignite, but I can not forgive myself for what I have done. If I was happy, why did I allow myself to ruin it? I honestly can’t think of a single reason as to why I did what I did.
I’d like her to forgive me, though even if she did I know I don’t deserve it and I’d have difficulty accepting it anyway.
Well.. I guess I’m just asking for advice on how to forgive myself. It’s inhibiting who I am and the relationships I’m having now, even with friends. Physical contact makes me uncomfortable, even something as innocent as a hug causes me to tense and pull away. Being touched almost disgusts me.
Any suggestions on how to make that change?

First off, everyone makes mistakes, EVERYONE.  Some are small, some are big, some are frequent, and some not so much.  Either way, nobody is perfect, and that’s okay.  What truly matters is how people deal with their mistakes after the fact.  Some are never willing to own up to what they did, and some keep repeating the same mistakes over and over again and never learn.  Cheating is a very common mistake that people deal with every single day.  In your case, it’s clear to me that you were truly in love, which is why you’re still beating yourself up over it.  You say you have accepted that the relationship is over for good, but part of accepting that is forgiving yourself.  You probably have, but if you haven’t, tell her exactly what you’ve told me.  Tell her how you aren’t even the same person anymore, and how you are having trouble with all your other relationships.  Most importantly, tell her that you love her, regardless of if you’ll ever share something special again.  Odds are, you’ve already said all this.  If there is no chance at all of getting back together, then you really need to think about your time here on Earth.  It sounds silly, but life is short, and we’re all just temporary.  Love is a wonderful thing, and if you don’t truly forgive yourself, you’ll end up living your life without it.  I know how it feels after you lose somebody you love, no matter what the circumstances.  The bottom line is that, you made a mistake, and now it’s time to learn from it.  It’s a growing process, a valuable life lesson, and you need to realize this.  I know it seems like nobody will ever replace what you had, but the world is filled with amazing people, dying to meet you.  I’d hate to see someone special come around, only to be overlooked because you can’t forgive yourself.  I think it will get easier over time, it just may take a while.  Just remember that everybody makes mistakes, now it’s up to you to learn and move forward.  Don’t be unfair to yourself, don’t prevent yourself from experiencing love and affection.  I know that you are truly sorry for what you did, and because of that, you deserve a second chance.  You deserve a fresh start, so take it, because life is short, and living in the past will negatively affect your future.  Don’t feel bad about meeting someone new, or enjoying physical contact, whether it be a hug or a kiss.  You deserve these things, you deserve to be happy.  You made a mistake, like all humans do, but it’s time to forgive yourself and allow yourself to be happy.  If you’d like to talk more, just use the formspring and i’ll give you my AIM or something.

-emotionalanesthesia